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My Life on the Line

How the NFL Damn Near Killed Me and Ended Up Saving My Life

ebook
1 of 1 copy available
1 of 1 copy available

A riveting account of life as a closeted professional athlete from gay NFL player O'Callaghan, against the backdrop of depression, opioid addiction, and the threat of suicide.

"[O'Callaghan's] story is one of beautiful vulnerability, and it further shows the importance of knowing you aren't alone." —Oprah Daily, recommended by Gayle King

Ryan O'Callaghan's plan was always to play football and then, when his career was over, kill himself. Growing up in a politically conservative corner of California, the not-so-subtle messages he heard as a young man from his family and from TV and film routinely equated being gay with disease and death. Letting people in on the darkest secret he kept buried inside was not an option: better death with a secret than life as a gay man. As a kid , Ryan never envisioned just how far his football career would take him. He was recruited by the University of California, Berkeley, where he spent five seasons, playing alongside his friend Aaron Rodgers. Then it was on to the NFL for stints with the almost-undefeated New England Patriots and the often-defeated Kansas City Chiefs.

Bubbling under the surface of Ryan's entire NFL career was a collision course between his secret sexuality and his hidden drug use. When the league caught him smoking pot, he turned to NFL-sanctioned prescription painkillers that quickly sent his life into a tailspin. As injuries mounted and his daily intake of opioids reached a near-lethal level, he wrote his suicide note to his parents and plotted his death.

Yet someone had been watching. A member of the Chiefs organization stepped in, recognizing the signs of drug addiction. Ryan reluctantly sought psychological help, and it was there that he revealed his lifelong secret for the very first time. Nearing the twilight of his career, Ryan faced the ultimate decision: end it all, or find out if his family and football friends could ever accept a gay man in their lives.

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    • Library Journal

      July 12, 2019

      From his conservative upbringing to a career in the NFL, O'Callaghan appeared to be a success story. Under the surface, though, he struggled with his sexuality. The burden of that secret, plus the physical toll of playing football, led to opioid addiction and suicidal ideation. O'Callaghan's willingness to address the realities of his life, along with his uninhibited writing style, help to balance a story, coauthored with sports commentator Zeigler that could have ended tragically. His powerful memoir will inspire and even provoke change, and serve as a building block toward acceptance and empathy beyond NFL locker rooms. VERDICT This no-holds-barred account reveals O'Callaghan's long journey to recovery and self-acceptance, and provides hope for anyone, not only professional athletes, living life in the shadows. Recommended for all sports fans and readers interested in social, cultural, and LGBTQ history.--Janet Davis, Darien P.L., CT

      Copyright 2019 Library Journal, LLC Used with permission.

    • Booklist

      Starred review from September 1, 2019
      O'Callaghan was an outstanding high-school and college football lineman, earning awards in college before being drafted by the New England Patriots. Ryan says his life plan was to play in the NFL as long as he could, then commit suicide. Ryan is gay, but no one knew. Growing up in a conservative community, he was terrified of coming out, fearing rejection by his family and his teammates and peers. He eventually ended up with the Kansas City Chiefs, where the constant pounding and a series of injuries led him to marijuana use. The league caught him smoking pot, a banned substance in the NFL, so he switched to opioids. Soon Ryan was severely addicted. A member of the Chiefs organization recognized the signs and got Ryan help. He was a reluctant participant, but ultimately the psychological counseling he received enabled him to both kick drugs and come to terms with his sexuality. Following his six-year NFL career, he created a foundation designed to provide scholarships to LGBTQ athletes. His memoir vividly presents the painful process of kicking drugs and accepting his sexuality. For sports fans who haven't lived in fear of having their sexuality exposed, O'Callaghan's powerful narrative should trigger much-needed empathy. Coauthor Zeigler is the cofounder of Outsports.com, which addresses LGBTQ issues in sports. A fine book on an important subject, and a source of hope for a more accepting world.(Reprinted with permission of Booklist, copyright 2019, American Library Association.)

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